From a young age, I felt and sensed the pull of Christ on my life. I generally knew what was right and what was wrong. When I did things that were wrong, my heart would start to race. Even when I thought of things that were wrong, I felt anxious. I’d get this heavy feeling in me. It felt like a tug of war. I was caught between doing and thinking about what was right and what was wrong. As I grew older, I realized that God had a special purpose for my life. I felt really blessed in my personal life, even though I didn’t feel like I deserved it. Over time, my choice to follow God, or to follow God’s voice, faced strong challenges. These challenges came from the distractions of this world, things like popularity, money, girls and just wanting to be seen.

I didn’t realize that I was already seen. I was valued and favored by a king who paid a heavy price for my life. He loves me so much. It’s weird ya know, the very thing I was chasing I already had access to. For years, I didn’t know exactly what my calling was. I prayed and prayed for God to reveal it to me. He did. But up until now, I realize that the very things I chased in life were related to my obedience. They were connected to the gift I have. This gift is to connect with people. I encourage them. I make sure they know that someone is there for them. They are not alone in their personal life. You see, I over-analyzed things like, how will I get paid if I write. Basically, I wanted to start writing on Monday and have a book deal worth millions on Wednesday. I didn’t realize that things take time and success will come if you’re consistent. And if you’re passionate about what you do, it’s more about adding value to others than making money. So, by focusing on the outcome of something, I didn’t do anything at all. So I kept myself stuck.

As I get older, I start to realize that life is more about purpose. It’s about what you can add to people’s lives rather than what you can take. My pursuit for money and comfort set me in opposition against the kingdom of God. You see, there’s nothing wrong with money if you use it to add value. It can help build the kingdom of God. But, I wanted it to make myself comfortable. Part of the reason is traumatic childhood upbringing and the other part is bad decisions that I made. In the Bible, this is called double-minded. I wanted and still want to live both lives, and God is very clear that being double-minded is unstable. I realize now that my stability has been compromised since childhood. This was due to decisions made for me and around me. As I grew, I developed bad habits and incorrect and perverse perspectives. I trained my brain really well to respond or crave instant gratification. These habits led to decades of instability that affects me even now.

God has revealed the truth to me. It will set me on the right path. Yet, I have to make a conscious decision to follow it. I’ve started, but let me tell you. It’s going to be a journey of healing. After decades of giving into temptation, I often quit and gave up when things got bad. And I’m hoping to take you on the journey with me so we can experience healing together.

We all want stability and security. For a long time, even up until now, I’ve searched for it in fleeting and destructive places. These places set me back far from where I want to be. God’s word promises a life better than I can even imagine if I put Him first. So, I’m going to stop fighting Him and pretending I know what’s best.

Let me leave you with this today.

Our bodies are insatiable. It’s really impossible to please them. If they are pleased or satisfied, it’s only short-lived. We quickly crave something else that’s more potent and gives us a bigger escape or relief. The only way we can truly satisfy our flesh is by starving it and submitting it to God. That emptiness we feel will quickly dissolve. Then we have the strength and fullness to overflow onto others and give them access to the freedom we deserve.